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i just ate a cracker

tweeted at two dairy farms earlier this week and now all my targeted ads are about milk and yogurt. and… i’m okay with it. good stuff!

urgent care says my heart rate is improving and there’s no need to keep me here with an IV. phew 😪

i don’t understand how i’m supposed to stay hydrated and not die when i throw up any water i drink within an hour

current status: ordering ginger ale and gatorade on postmates because i can’t leave

i put my pants on just like anyone else. one sleeve at a time

got a free beer from the bar because my first one had a shard of glass in it #blessed

guy sits at bar
bar guy: can i have some water?
15 minutes later
bar guy: can i have some more water?guy leaves 15 minutes later
me:

people should be outraged about this https://twitter.com/ronaldklain/status/838960029961170944

“Of seven analysts who cover the stock, none recommend buying”

oof https://bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-03-06/snap-tumbles-for-first-time-since-ipo-as-analysts-say-sell

@CARROT_app so i’ve gotten a couple precipitation warning notifications on iOS after installing today… But I don’t have Carrot for Mac?

just had a cortado with @StrausOrganic whole milk and holy fuck it’s so creamy. it’s like fucking half and half. just amazing.

the Watch complication for @DarkSkyApp hasn’t worked in over a year

i’ve gotten so bored by posting restaurant reviews that i now write erotic yelp reviews